Have you ever gone through something so horrifying that you cannot understand where or how this happened. In my walk of faith, I have often had moments of sheer guttedness and fragility. In fact, I probably have known too much suffering for one human.
In my poem “Where Was God?’ these two lines ring true in my questioning prayers and laments:
“Did you drop your gaze?”
“Did you turn your head?”
“Where were you? I will never understand this living grief you have given us…”
It is living grief to watch people you love in pain and despair as they themselves struggle to hold onto faith or God. My mother’s heart breaks over and over daily.
Even I have been “faithless and lost” in those moments, unable to even breath. The stages of shock, denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance is never in a straight line and one can experience everything all in one day in what can feel like a tumble drier of twists and turns that leaves one wrung out and sad, really sad. Loss and grief are not logical and needs to be lamented and held sacredly with true empathy. I have to say also that as covenant with God person, I have given up my victimhood to stand on what is written in living scripture – but let me tell you I have had seasons of faithlessness, anxiety and being lost. I think these are just a normal part of being human and often what we don’t speak about in our faith walks.
Now many of us know others who are experiencing some form of hectic.com and most times have no idea how to be there for each other even though we want to do so. I am sharing this with the disclaimer that I have often gotten it wrong myself – but I know better now, so I am sharing from a place of saying, let’s do better together and hopefully you can share in the comments some things that you have felt have helped you along as way.
I found this verse very relevant, Proverbs 25:20 states, “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart”. It means that singing songs to someone who is grieving or sad is as unhelpful as taking off their coat in the cold or pouring vinegar on a wound.
So, if you are saying things like, just pray your way through this, or here have you taken your thoughts captive or maybe consider tithing more or you should really join a home cell and make more friends, or just worship your way out of this. While all those things are nice enough and good things, one needs to exercise discernment when saying them to someone who is sitting with raw and powerful emotions, in recent wounding or trauma.
When Jesus was going to raise Lazarus from the dead he did not say to the dead man’s sisters – do you know who I am? I am about to perform a miracle. Just believe my promises and declare them. Have a little faith now. Or perhaps you need to repent to chase this bad vibes away… Maybe you brought this on?
Eish – sound familiar… I can’t tell you how I regret saying or hearing some of those phrases so loosely to people in the midst of their agony. I am sure now that this feels like vinegar being poured into a wound.
However, Jesus – He being deity himself, said nothing of that sort. He saw the sadness and even though he was about to shift the circumstance – he simply wept with them and gave them the gift of his presence
Presence is critical. In today’s crazy busy pace that can look like a call to listen and not off loading all of your own stresses. It is not a time to share your own strong feelings of being gutted and needing consoling yourself through how their trauma may be affecting you. They don’t have bandwidth to now manage you as well. It’s really not fair. Rather make a wise choice to put yourself on a back burner for a moment and allow the other person to lament while listening. It is the gift of holding the space for another. It could look like care texts or coffee together where possible. Whatever you can do to create presence either virtually or in person, just choose to listen which is a sacred spiritual practice of empathy and connection.
In the beginning, I found the words I am praying or the praying hand emoji made me irritated. I was just in so much shock that I could not comprehend what a prayer could do. I am a great believer in prayer I value the gift of prayer, but in the rawness of trauma, it feels icy cold. There is a quote that says, “serving hands are better than praying lips” so if you are going to offer prayers add another line to say, what is your immediate need. My minister did this to me when I shared with him and I had two quick frozen meals and loads of chocolate the very next morning in my home. That small gesture coupled with prayer meant that I was listened to, heard and it felt like we were not alone. So, don’t be afraid to ask, what is your immediate need and to again listen to what that is rather than do what suits you.
Just keep moving is a very western approach to suffering or trauma. I have also done this and so regret saying to people book a church counsellor. As if that would be the magic wand to wave the discomfort that their current story brought me. I did not want to connect to their pain myself and just told them to keep moving and that the church is the answer. Until one day, I woke up to the fact that I am the church and that I cannot abdicate my responsibility and calling to journey with people in whatever capacity I could. The sacred word does not say, Just Keep Moving – that is the Johnnie Walker tag line. Instead, it says “Be Still and know that I am God” To keep still means to look the pain eyeball to eyeball. I am is in the present tense, meaning the many stories, dramas, what ifs playing out in my fears and mind have to be brought into the presence. In that breath I met YHWH which is the divine breath of God. Taking the time to face this with His spirit is a slower way of Being and Not Doing – and is far more useful than a prescribed list of actions. I will come to my actions, but at my pace and that is what needs to be respected as well as understood.
Talking about moving on. I guess the most difficult and almost cruel part of life is that it moves on.., of course, as it should. When my world had completely stopped, it was difficult and inauthentic for me to put on a fake smile for others, just because I always have and I am considered strong. Recently I had a panic attack and had to pull my car over. My son fortunately being fit rode his bicycle to me and drove me home with rescue drops. Now being anxious is not a reflection of faith. We see again Jesus experienced this himself just before his crucifixion where he was sweating blood. The medical term for this is called haematidrosis and it may occur when a person experiences extreme stress. My point is when a person shares strong emotions or a traumatic experience, just practice the pause. It is not wise to share with them a few minutes later how lekker your life is or how you are just so happy. I am always happy for others, but in that moment, it just can feels cruel, like rubbing salt on raw wounds. Its just about timing when you are journeying with someone through pain or trauma.
Let them set the pace and draw boundaries if or when necessary. Its not about the person offering support and what they think but rather the one needing the support. So be careful not to be prescriptive even if you have been through the same thing. Every person’s experience is different and we must endeavour to listen more and talk less, even if that means sitting in silence, Creating safe spaces for co-creation of healing to take place is far more important than having all the answers. The goal is always joying not perfection. Remember the need to fix or shift the person in trauma may be about you – not the other person. The most powerful line I have heard is “I am standing with you” Now that is not to fix you and move you along, but rather the act of sitting with in the fire with the other in the all of the phases or shock, denial, bargaining, anger and acceptance and to not be phased or judgemental of the messiness of it all. That is a lovely gift to give – its just space to rant and rave without judgement or taking personal offence. It is an offering or both mercy and grace.
As a woman, I do have a high tolerance to pain. As a mother, my heart becomes unravelled when I see my children in deep pain. I have been trained as a first responder in crisis to navigate a triage and know how to survive being taken hostage in a warzone for a month by terrorists. Yep, I chose to be shot at with blanks in training and can identify and handled different fire arms and can do first aid in pitch darkness with rounds of bullets being fired in the background. I have the certificate and gun powder residue to prove it. Yet when it comes to my own children, I am a complete mess and utterly useless to even think straight. If I see them hurting, I come undone. One of the most unhelpful things I have heard and I know it was unintentional was that my trauma was so bad they could not even share it with their adult children so I needed to curate what I said and be careful of that. I was living this and could do nothing to protect my own children, so I just wept. I site this example just to help you understand that a mother’s heart is a very tender thing, so again use discernment. It is not important to speak every thought you have to a hurting mother. Empathy is about walking in the other persons shoes.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do know this. God is close to the broken-hearted and we ought to be also. In navigating and standing together we can create connection to God and to each other, so that healing spaces, strong emotions and sharing someone’s pain can become a part of the new normal as we walk each other home.
And PS – if you like me have found yourself faithless, know that you and I are kindred souls. After all, if you have been faithless – then you are proven trustworthy. Trustworthy as you have walked in your own horror story and know pain… it causes you no discomfort to keep things real for me currently navigating a path.
